The Power of Listening For Personal Development – Part I

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” (Ralph Nichols)

Have you ever wondered why many people think they’re a good listener? Is it because we place little value on this skill or is it because people see it as such a natural part of being human? Yet how many people could you say are really good listeners? You may know one or two people but that is about all. I’m sure we can agree that this as a skill we need as part of personal development …but how many of us spend developing this skill?

A powerful listener is someone who is able to focus on what another person is saying without getting distracted. A powerful listener has intense focus. A powerful listener is present in the moment of the conversation. Perhaps our reason for overlooking this skill is that it sounds so easy to achieve but in practice it is very difficult. It requires putting our own needs aside to listen to another.

To achieve this requires ensuring that you are feeling confident about yourself and fully aware of your needs at that moment. It is far better to say that you are not able to listen to someone when you can’t than to fake it. This type of deception is picked-up immediately and any attempt at creating a trusting relationship may fail.

The Other Side

A person speaking needs to feel that he or she is heard and understood. They need to have a response when one is asked for. As humans the very nature of being understood and heard is connected to our sense of self worth. When you are speaking, you have something of value to say and you want to say it to contribute and to be heard. If you are not listened to or even ignored, this hits at the heart of who you are and your self esteem.

Imagine if you walked around all day and no one answered you when you spoke to them. Perhaps you would start to feel as though you were invisible. Having a voice helps us to identify with our family, friends and community. It helps us to understand ourselves.

Some people use conversation to gain clarity on what they are thinking. They talk to people to work through thoughts and to refine them.

Good Person – Great Listener

Why is it that we would never say we are a good talker, but we would say we are a good listener? Is being a good listener connected with the belief that this makes you a better person? Being a good listener may be connected to the notion of generosity – giving time to someone. Is this what makes us a good person? So on one hand we see being a good listener as being connected to being a good person but on the other hand we may not spend a great deal of time perfecting this skill.

“A little recognized value of listening and inquiring relates to the realization that in human relationships, it is frequently not what the facts are, but what people think the facts are, which is truly important. There is benefit in learning what someone else’s concept of the reality of the situation is.” (Bryan Bell)

Practice

Sit in a quiet space, empty yourself of all thoughts and then count to 50 silently (in your head). The aim of this is to see if you can actually get to 50 without your thoughts drifting off…this my friend takes mental strength!

If you can count to 50 and be focused then you are able to be present for at least one minute. Now this may seem like an incredibly short amount of time but in a conversation this is quite a long period. You can practice this skill over time to see if you can increase the number of seconds you can stay focused for.

One of the important areas to consider about being a powerful listener is to determine if you value this skill or not and if it fits into your personal development plan. Really ask yourself if it is important enough to spend many hours learning how to be a powerful listener. Also ask yourself if you value what other people have to say – do you see that other people have something to offer to your life? Are you able to listen to someone if you cannot immediately see if what they are saying is of value to you?

If you truly value powerful listening then you will enter this skill into your conscious thought and you will start to become aware of how you listen to people throughout your day. You will start to observe yourself in conversations. Bringing this level of awareness about powerful listening into your day will be the first step to increasing your skills in this incredibly important area.  This will carry over to your enrich and enhance your personal performance that will lead to your personal success.

Contemplation

• How would you describe yourself as a listener?
• Write down what you value about being a powerful listener.
• Design a plan on how you can increase your skills in being a powerful listener.
• How do you feel when you are listened to?

Please share your thoughts in the comment section below

My Coaching Application

Coaching is a different type of conversation than those we have on a day-to-day basis. When coaching a client, I listen intently to what he/she is saying and feeling. It is not a two-way conversation as such. Rather, the focus is on and all about my client. As your coach, I should only share personal information and stories if they pertain to and can help you with your specific situation.

How many of us feel like we are really listened to – that people really get what we are saying? Did you know we usually only recall 50 percent of what we have heard immediately after listening to someone talk? It is little wonder that most people do not feel like they are heard.

As a coach, listening is one of the most vital services I can provide. Part of what my clients are paying me for, is to simply listen to them. Just listen. That, in itself, is powerful. “The primary purpose of listening… is to truly understand the other person’s point of view, how they think and feel and how they „move through the world.? (Zeus

and Skiffington, 2000) A good coach or friend is listening for what truly inspires you, lightens you up, excites you, frees you, and keeps you from resignation.

A coach (or friend) then listens for what would fulfill that inspiration, and listens for what gets in the way. Above all, a coach listens to a client as a magnificent, extraordinary person; as their greater self, and relates to them that way.

When I’m working with a client, I’m listening for not just what my client is saying but what they are NOT saying and how they are saying it (e.g. what feelings and emotions are being expressed or withheld). I listen to the pitch, tone and rhythm of my client’s speech. A faster than usual pace and higher pitch may indicate excitement, a slow monotonous tone may indicate a lack of enthusiasm, a higher pitch and lack of ability to match breathing to speech may indicate anxiety.

Again, I’m also interested in what my client is NOT saying. My clients don’t always tell me everything that is happening for a myriad of reasons.  I listen for subtle changes in voice, avoidance of questions or a change in subject. If a client starts to get aggravated or angry, I know I’m most likely touching on something.  I then proceed with caution and very gently (but directly), ask the client more questions. I let my client know what I am really hearing them, and ask if there is something more they want to say about it.

To be continued…

My e-book, “Develop the Mental Strength of a Warrior” can assist you tremendously in moving from delay to action.  If you’d like to experience Coaching for Success request your Introductory Consultation. 

Again, I’d like to thanks ICA…they have been such a great source of inspiration and information.

OK…how are you doing with your listening?  Let me know in the comments below.