Masters of Midlife: Warrior Mind Podcast #428

Over four years and going strong!  With over 800,000 downloads from over 9 countries and 5 continents’…. this is the Warrior Mind Podcast.

In this episode of the Warrior Mind Podcast I’m going to go over the signs of midlife and how to become masters of midlife.  

Masters of Midlife

Most people have heard the term ‘midlife crisis’. For me it conjures up pictures of men in comfortable jobs and stable marriages who suddenly start having affairs and splashing out on “boy’s toys” once they reach 40. On face value this behavior seems more like that of a spoilt child – not satisfied with the success he has already achieved, and showing little regard for his partner or children, he now demands more. And it does seem to be mostly “he”. The female partner is typically the one left behind to pick up the pieces.

And it is against this backdrop that men enter midlife, a term covering the ages between roughly 40 and 60. And when the estimated 5 % of midlife men do start feeling in ‘crisis’, (A Gallup poll in 1992 found 50% of middle-aged men reported having had or were having a Midlife Crisis.) these feelings are therefore already tinged with shame. Consequently, the man in question feels disinclined to share his sudden feelings of nagging doubt, regret and self-questioning with those around him. He can’t share his true feelings with his partner as some of those feelings are around needing to get away and have space or around a desire for an affair. He dare not share these feelings at work in case this will affect his career progression. He is stuck.

Therefore, if you are a man in midlife with feelings of dissatisfaction around life, then let me start by reassuring you that your feelings are perfectly normal and in fact represent a really good sign. For not only are these signaling the start of what is seen by many as the most rewarding half of a man’s life, but you are also in the right place. This coaching program has been created especially for you and the other millions of middle-aged men who statistically may have been or are currently experiencing many of the same feelings as you.

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Mastering Midlife

In 1965, psychologist Elliot Jaques published an article in the International Journal of Psychoanalysis entitled “Death and the Midlife Crisis”. In that article he used the term ‘midlife crisis’ to describe a time when adults reflect on their own mortality and how much time they may have left in their lives. Aided by the Gail Sheehy and her 1976 best seller, “Passages”, the term passed into common usage.

Today the term ‘midlife crisis’ is commonly used to refer to a turbulent period in life commonly experienced by men at midlife. The ‘crisis’ typically occurs in waves over the course of a few years between the ages of 35 to 55 and is characterized by nagging doubts, self-questioning and irrational or uncharacteristic actions.

Common behaviors attributed to those experiencing a ‘midlife crisis’ include.

• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Buying motorbikes, boats, sports cars, jewelry, gadgets etc.
• Getting tattoos or piercings
• Depression
• Looking back with remorse at certain events in life
• A focus on physical appearance e.g. covering baldness, wearing youthful designer clothes etc.
• Entering relationships with younger people (sexual, professional, parental, etc.)
• Putting pressure on their children to excel academically and/or in sports, arts etc.

However, while recent research has shown that adult happiness reaches a low point in the early 40’s, coinciding with the start of midlife, the male experience of a ‘midlife crisis’ is often spoken of cynically or dismissively, rather than with real interest or curiosity. I think this is for a few different reasons:

• Young men are encouraged to gain qualifications, develop a career, find a long-term partner, make a home and start a family. To do this they need to compete – for university places, for partners, for jobs and promotion, for a home at auction. Ask a man how he is and 9 times out of 10 he will say he’s fine thanks and return the question, regardless of how he feels inside. To do otherwise may signal a weakness in this race of life. Many men also struggle to articulate or express what they are feeling inside, so find “OK” an easy reply. For men at midlife, it’s also much easier to joke that he is “having a bit of a midlife crisis” than confess he is feeling depressed, has lost direction, is having marriage problems etc.

• Social groupings are generally suspicious and hostile towards individuals going through turbulent inner change. Society doesn’t appreciate those that challenge established social values. Like teenagers, we tend to give these individuals a wide berth. By dismissing men showing unsettled behavior as “just having a bit of a midlife crisis” helps to make this behavior less threatening.

• Business has no interest in men successfully navigating a midlife crisis. Corporations want workers who will continue to work tirelessly to compete.

• Advertisers want men who will continue to focus on materialism as a route to happiness.

Being able to put this period of disruption at midlife down to a ‘crisis’ helps it become a period to survive before life returns to normal and allows those affected to avoid the need to address the underlying causes. For family and friends around them, the term also allows them to pass off the changed behavior with a laugh and bide their time until that person regains their normal self.

I believe that ‘midlife crisis’ would be better termed ‘midlife transition’ or ‘midlife passage’. When teenagers are making the transition from boys to men, this is not seen or termed a ‘crisis’ which they will pass through and go back to being a boy again. It is understood the change is permanent. This is the same for men at midlife. Men need to change their perspective permanently in order to lead a fulfilling and satisfying second half of their lives.

“We cannot live the afternoon of life according to the life’s morning; for what was great in the morning will be little at evening, and what in the morning was true will at the evening have become a lie.” Carl Jung

So, if you are experiencing turbulence at midlife then don’t see this as a ‘crisis’ to be overcome. View it instead as an opportunity to grow and an invitation to make the move from the first half of your life to the second.

Dangers of the Midlife Transition

The midlife transition can be associated with a number of dangers for those involved. Some of these are amplified because of the cynicism and shame associated with having a ‘midlife crisis’.

• Depression – Midlife is experienced as a period of grieving for the loss of youth. Depression is a common stage in that grieving process. And yet depression also carries the same social stigma as midlife crisis.

• Relationships – relationships and families can suffer as men try ways to resolve their uncomfortable feelings by themselves by developing alternative relationships.

• Careers – men are tempted to abandon careers or become rebellious at work before having a chance to work through the drivers behind those urges and later regret decisions made.

• Isolation – men often feel alone in experiencing confusion and disorientation at midlife.

• Risk taking behavior – men can be drawn to take part in risk taking activities such as taking drugs, buying powerful motorbikes in an effort to deny advancing age.

My overriding advice to those in midlife transition is not to make hasty decisions or changes to your life, however powerfully you feel the urge, without taking the time to fully reflect on the transition you are making through talking this at this time to facilitate the change.

Masters Of Midlife

The Masters of Midlife Coaching Program is a personal development program for men at midlife. It is targeted at men aged 35 to 55 to provide an opportunity to step away from their everyday activities, take time to reflect on their past and find their unique path to a fulfilling and satisfying second half of their lives.

The program can be delivered one-on-one or in a group setting.

It is likely to be suitable for men who may be experiencing any of the following:

• A loss of direction in life;
• A feeling they have reached a crossroad;
• A sense that time is running out;
• Dissatisfaction with their current career;
• Relationship challenges; and/or
• Waves of regret.

What is the theoretical approach used to deliver the coaching program?

The Masters of Midlife Coaching Program is delivered based on the belief that:

• People are basically good and have an innate need to make themselves and the world better place.

• Each person experiences the world through their own different perspective and has a unique set of skills, talents and experience to offer the world.

• We are experts on our own lives and so best placed to understand any changes we need to make in our lives.

Readings and activities are organized based on the 17 stages of Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey and draw on the ancient wisdom of Rites of Passage.

Rites of Passage have been commonplace in society for thousands of years as a ceremony that marks the transition from one stage of life to another. A common example today would be a marriage ceremony marking the transition from single life to being married. Other contemporary examples are christenings, retirement parties, birthday parties, graduation ceremonies etc. Rites of Passage were historically far more common around the world than they are in Western society today.

A Rite of Passage at midlife marks the transition from the first to second half of life and incorporates a three staged process of transition:

• Separation – Reflecting on the first half of our lives and accepting that to enter the second phase of our lives we must leave the first behind.

• Transition – Allowing ourselves to experience who we are right now. To experience being neither in the first or second half of life, but betwixt and between. To wrestle with some of life’s big questions.

• Reincorporation – Mapping out the second half of our life using our new-found wisdom and understanding. Celebrating the start of a new second half of life.

The support provided is not religious in nature and confidentiality is maintained throughout.

For a more in-depth discussion about this topic request your Introductory Consultation.

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