Responsibility vs. Blame – Part I

In a previous post I discussed ‘commitment vs. trying’ and today I’d like to reflect on Responsibility vs. Blame.  Since this is a rather lengthy topic I’m going spread this out over a couple of posts.

I’d like to thank again my wonderful coaching school ICA for thier contribution to this topic.

“Responsibility is asking: What have I done to cause or impact this? And what can I now do about it?” – Coachfucious

Choosing Freedom Over Burden

Many people, when they hear the word ‘responsibility’, immediately associate it with burden or having to carry a load. Ironically, it is exactly the opposite. Responsibility leads to personal freedom. When you take on the perspective that you caused a situation, you have access to transform it and have a feeling of power and freedom. However, if you take on the perspective that someone or something else caused the situation, i.e. blame, you are left powerless and often resentful and bitter.

This can also be thought of a ‘cause vs. effect.’  When you are on the ‘cause’ side of the equation you have empowerment.  When you are on the ‘effect’ side you have no power.

Cause = Responsibility = Freedom = Personal Empowerment

Effect = Blame = Loss of Freedom = Disempowerment

When we are blaming someone or something, including ourselves, we are actually giving our power away and putting ourselves in the position of being a victim.

When we choose to blame, we choose burden.

When we choose to take responsibility, we choose freedom.

When we blame we are viewing only one side of a situation without knowing or even allowing ourselves to see the entire story. There is always more than one viewpoint or perspective to any given situation.

There are learning’s in ever situation.  When we are on the effect side, or blaming, we lose sight of any possible learning’s, and many times will repeat a unpleasant situation over and over until we have learned its’ lesson.  

Blame = Pass the charge to someone else. It is surrendering your power

No one is ever totally “blameless.” There is always something that provoked the other person involved, whether it was done intentionally or not.

Choice in Perspective

Often it will not occur to us that we are choosing a specific perspective. Instead, the perspective appears to be the truth. Think about responsibility and cause as being a perspective or a way in which to view a situation…a place to come into in order to address the situation with personal power.

In any given situation you are either taking responsibility or you are blaming.  This includes blaming fate, luck or karma. It’s one or the other, cause or effect, blame or responsibility.

When you are aware, conscious and notice you are blaming, you immediately have access to responsibility and gain new personal freedom in all areas of your life. You may be blaming others or yourself, but either way, where there is blame there is no responsibility…no freedom…no personal empowerment.

You As The Accomplice

Often people have trouble taking on the perspective that they are 100 % responsible. Gurus such as Jesus and Buddha may have been able to see how they caused everything that happened in their life, even death. But for the rest of us, total responsibility can be really difficult.

However, people can often see how they have at least contributed to a situation, or at least went along with it in some way. So looking at the situation and seeing how you were an “accomplice” in the circumstance, you are taking a huge step forward in becoming responsible and moving to the cause side of the equation.

A great way to begin a difficult conversation can be to take responsibility. Use “I” language and let the other person know how you feel, what you are thinking, as well as understand your perspective. Avoid blaming them for how you feel or think!

Extreme Perspective

Try this on for size…Think of an unpleasant or painful situation, i.e. getting fired, getting into an accident, etc. Then describe how you are not the slightest bit responsible for this situation. How it was all someone else’s fault….go ahead, you may even want to write this down.

Now take a 180º shift in perspective and describe how you are 100% responsible. At first this will be diffcult, but think about how, at some level, may have caused or attracted this event to happen, i.e. if you’re thinking about a car accident, how was it that your were at the specific time and place when it occurred?  

I want you to feel the difference between both extreme points of view. What opportunities open from the latter viewpoint? Go ahead and write the difference down and note which one is more empowering. 

In finishing up Part I of responsibility vs. blame I’d like to leave you some questions for contemplation.

• List three things for which you are taking responsibility in your life.

• List three things for which you blame yourself or others.

• For each issue you answered in number two: What are three ways you could have contributed to or caused the situation, or result?

• For each issue, what is one thing you can now do about it, if anything? (Note: sometimes it does not need to change.)

Use your mental strength this week take action steps towards making a difference in each of those issues you listed above.

Then experience this shift for yourself.  Find a friend, family member or colleague, who has been complaining about an issue, or is feeling like a victim. With permission of course, use the ‘Extreme Perspective’ procedure with him or her and see how this will transform them from disempowerment to full personal empowerment.  This in turn will assist you in your own personal development.

Please provide your feedback and experiences in the comments section below