Respect vs. Invalidation – Part I

“Respecting ourselves enhances our life and in turn, the life of the people we care about.” 

I’d like to give my heartfelt thanks again to my coaching school, International Coach Academy for their inspiration and support with this subject.  

How Do We Treat Ourselves And Others

This is how Merriam Webster Dictionary defines the word RESPECT: “to consider deserving of high regard; to refrain from interfering with.” Webster also defines the word INVALIDATE as: “to weaken or make valueless.”

We have the choice to respect or invalidate people, objects and events in our life, including ourselves. Consider your experience when others respect you: They probably consider you in high regard, or perhaps they refrain from interfering with you.

Now consider your experience when others invalidate you. They probably weaken you, or perhaps they make you feel valueless.

To respect someone or something is a real gift in life and a powerful way to relate to the world around us. It’s also a very natural way for human beings to relate when they are free and clear.

What gets in the way of freedom …Judgments.

When we discern our judgments we can choose how to respond to someone or a situation. We can decide to either respect or invalidate.

Contemplation

• What are some judgments you have that invalidate others and perhaps yourself?
• Please post your answer in the ‘comment’ section below.

Techniques for creating respect: Standards.

Standards are levels of behavior we choose for ourselves. They are tools we use to respect ourselves and others. You already have a set of standards. They hold us responsible to behave in a set way towards others. Standards are based on experience, education and reason.

Here are some examples of standards we can practice in our lives:

• Be always on time
• Be personally organized
• Acknowledge, or say “thank you” via notes, telephone calls, or in person
• Exercise every day
• Drink water every day
• Do not gossip
• Fulfill business commitments
• Fulfill personal commitments
• Eat healthy nutritional foods
• Practice excellent personal management
• Be trustworthy
• Practice honesty
• Do fun work
• Value friends, family and self
• Express loyalty to family, friends and clients
• Don’t cheat on your partner
• Be a parent who listens and loves
• Constantly explore new areas to develop spirituality and creativity
• Pay bills on time

Consideration and Application

• Look into different areas of your life, and list ten standards by which you already hold yourself responsible to behave.
• Now write down on a piece of paper three standards you would like to live by. Choose one to put into practice this week. At the end of the week, write your experience next to the standard on the piece of paper

Personal Boundaries

Define your personal boundaries. Let others know exactly what you will and will not tolerate and why. If they know your limits, more likely they will not try to test them.

We have to teach people how to treat us. How they treat us comes from how we respect ourselves. We need to create strong boundaries so that we can communicate to other people clearly.

Either by our actions or words, we let others know what appropriate behavior in our presence is. Some examples of boundaries are: not allowing others to hit us; not allowing others to touch us inappropriately; not allowing others to use abusive or strong language around us; and not allowing racial jokes to be told in front of us.

For personal boundaries to work, we must first be clear on what our limits are and then communicate them clearly to others. Don’t just assume others will know what these are because they won’t. Once you are clear about your limitations, you will have to do less explaining time and again. If you are clear, chances are that people will see it through your behavior and words directly.

The expression, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me,” refers to weak boundaries. If someone does something to you and you don’t like it, it is up to you to communicate this to them. Tell them what it is you don’t like and what they need to do differently. If their behavior doesn’t change, it is up to you to remove yourself from the situation. On the other hand, if a behavior is in some way threatening to you, or harmful to your loved ones, report them to the proper authorities. Get help. You don’t have to allow people to treat you in a way that is unacceptable.

Boundaries are about what others cannot do to you or to your surroundings.

Contemplation

• Where in your life do you think you need to strengthen your boundaries?
• Please share your thoughts in the ‘comments’ below.

When you start strengthening your boundaries, some people in your life may remove themselves out of your life. This may be difficult at first, but overtime, you will notice new people coming into your life who will be willing to treat you well. They will stay within your boundaries and they will also show you a great level of respect.

Note: This subject matter isn’t about others treating you in a way that you are not willing to treat others. Respect mirrors respect. You must be willing to respect other people’s boundaries; as well as be willing to honor them in a way you want others to honor you.

Boundaries are not something to beat others up with until they understand.

They exist to protect one from harm, unpleasant moments and avoid situations that may not be suitable to a person emotionally. They are set up to show respect towards yourself and others.

Take a stand, and if you think you can’t, learn to take one. Get help. If someone is annoying you, stand up for yourself. This way, others will know your boundaries and learn to respect them.

Make a List:

Make a list of your personal boundaries: What are they? Write them on a piece of paper and/or share them in comments section below.

Method to invalidate someone: “Hosing”

When you suggest going to the park, and someone says, “Don’t be stupid, it’s freezing,” you have just been ‘Hosed’ down. When someone says they are going to write a new book, and you say, “Right, just like all the other books you were going to write!” You have pulled out your hose and given them a big splash of opinions! Hosing can be anything negative you say to someone. It is a way in which we invalidate an idea, a thing, a place, ourselves, and people.

Think about the following questions:

What are some examples of ways in which people show respect for themselves? For others? How are these different? What are examples of ways in which people invalidate themselves? How do they invalidate others? How are these different, if any?

Reflection and Application

• In the past week, what are three ways in which you have demonstrated respect for yourself?
• What about respect for others?
• In the past week, describe three ways in which you have invalidated yourself. Pinpoint your underlying judgments in each of these.
• In the next three days, recognize three ways you invalidate others, and turn it into respect.
• In the following four days, recognize three ways you disrespect yourself, and turn it into respect. (For example, change eating habits from junk food to healthy foods.)
• Describe how you did it and how it made you feel at the time. 

How a good coach shows respect for their client

For a good coach, it is important to show respect to their clients all the time. This creates a safe environment for the client. It also serves as a model of respect for the client to follow in their own life.

The following are ways in which a good coach can demonstrate respect for their client:

• Be ready, review any notes from the last session before the call or session.
• Be on time and available at the designated time of the session.
• Actively listen to both what is being said and what is not being said.
• Stay focused and keep the client on track.
• Acknowledge both what did and didn’t get done during the session.
• Really listen to what the client is saying (and not saying) and repeat it back if there is any doubt in your mind.
• If something unavoidable comes up and you cannot meet the coaching call, initiate the call to change times.
• Be actively ready to coach.
• Be in the present moment.
• Avoid judgment.
• Acknowledge the client for what he or she has accomplished, even if it is less than what the client committed to do.
• Coach from where the client is at, not from where you are at.
• Listen to what they really want to do.
• Help the client find their own answers and actions to reach their goals.
• Display sensitive honesty.
• Make the coaching sessions enjoyable.
• Think about clients in between sessions and work out how to best coach them all.
• Do care about clients and feel passionate about wanting to see them succeed.
• Never tell anyone who you are coaching without their permission.
• Listen with love and respect to their commitments, desires and needs.
• Assist them in clarifying their goals so that they know what they want.
• Acknowledge who they are as a unique individual.
• Never make them wrong or judge them in any way.
• Listen to and move with the client at their own pace.
• Acknowledge challenge as a move into action.
• Help clients define success in their own terms.

As a professional coach I am committed to respecting my clients and their current perspective of reality.  As a mental strength coach I am committed in challenging my clients to move out of their comfort zone, increase their personal empowerment and create better results that reflect their increase in personal performance. 

If you’d like to how I can do this for you, please use the “Contact Me” page, I’m looking forward to hearing from you!