Personal Empowerment and Responsibility – Part II

This is the continuation and last segment for this topic.  If this is your first visit here you can here is Personal Empowerment and Responsibility – Part I

In Part I we covered that you can be either on the ‘cause’ side or the ‘effect’ side.  That is, you either have results or excuses, you’re either play the ‘hero’ or you play the ‘victim’, the choice is yours.

We finished up with three options for playing the Blame Game when something goes wrong that does not give us personal empowerment.   We’ll now take a closer look at the options.

We are Bad or Wrong: The first option is so painful for us that our tendency is to look to the other two. This becomes easy to do because most situations involve other people who we could choose to blame. Where we can‘t blame other people, there are always circumstances to blame.

Let me explain how this works in practice. Harvey agreed to meet his adult daughter for dinner. He had not seen her for a long time and their relationship was not strong. Harvey rushed out to meet her into a blinding snowstorm and became stuck in the snow (obviously Harvey didn’t live in Southern California). If Harvey were playing the Blame Game, he could either

Blame Himself: He could feel bad or wrong for being foolish enough to drive into a snowstorm. He could feel guilty for neglecting his daughter lately to the point where he didn‘t feel as though he could cancel their dinner, even as the bad weather closed in. In short he could feel bad and wrong, even guilty.

Blame Others: He could feel angry at his daughter for not having the dinner in a more convenient place or for not cancelling when the weather turned bad. He could even sit and think about all the other things she had done in the past to make their relationship strained. In short, he could blame her!

Blame Circumstances: He could blame the car or blame the weather. How could he have known this would happen? If his relationship with his daughter gets worse it will be because the weather was bad and his car is unreliable.

The problem with all three of these options is that they leave Harvey stuck and disempowered!

Not just stuck in the snow drift but stuck in his poor relationship with his daughter, and stuck in his feelings of powerlessness. The problem with the Blame Game is that it is utterly useless for providing Harvey with a way forward and does not give him personal empowerment.

If Harvey chose responsibility and personal power, however, a range of options would open up. Harvey could decide never to drive out in bad weather again, not because he was bad or wrong for doing so, but because taking responsibility gives him the possibility of a different future.

Harvey could decide on personal empowerment and to take responsibility for the performance of his car so that it performs better in poor conditions. Harvey could also choose to take responsibility for his relationship with his daughter to make sure that he never ends up in the heightened state of anxiety again.

Everyone makes mistakes.

We’re human.

When we make a mistake we need to forgive ourselves for it, so that we can move on and embrace our personal power. Most importantly, we need to forgive ourselves so that we can take responsibility. Taking responsibility for our own actions can be freeing and liberating. It saves our energy because we don‘t have to waste any time making excuses about what we did. By taking responsibility we build character, personal empowerment and self-esteem. We build integrity and clarity.

Language

When we are choosing responsibility we use different language to when we are blaming. This helps us to start even the most difficult conversations. When we take responsibility we use “I” language. We let the other person know how we feel and what we are thinking. We avoid blaming them for how we feel or think.

Letting Go and Moving On

When we are choosing responsibility we let go of anger. There is no need for anger when you have the power to change the situation that you are in. Anger is created when you have no choices, when your path is blocked, and when another person has power over you. If you choose responsibility, then you DO have choices and YOU have power over your own life. There is no need for anger. There is also no TIME for anger, as you have the power now to act!

Contemplation

• What are three things for which you are taking responsibility in your life?
• What effect is taking responsibility having in your life?
• What are some things for which you blame other people or other circumstances? What would it look like if you were to choose responsibility over blame?
• What are three ways you could have contributed to or caused a given situation in your life?
• Why do we need to forgive ourselves in order to take responsibility?

Techniques

Accomplice

There are many techniques that we can use to help us (or someone else) to choose responsibility over blame. One way is to see if you can move part of the way. Often people have trouble taking on the perspective that they are 100 percent responsible. However, people can often see how they contributed to a situation, or at least went along with it. So by asking yourself to see how you were an “accomplice” in this matter, you are allowing yourself to take a big step towards becoming responsible.

Extreme Perspective

This is a great technique that allows you to feel the power of responsibility. Do this; describe how you are not the tiniest bit responsible for a situation. How it was all someone else‘s fault. Then describe how you are 100 percent responsible. How you must have “at some level” caused or attracted everything to happen. Now notice the difference between both extreme points of view. Then ask yourself, which of the viewpoints will allow you to move forward towards what you want.

I hope you found this topic of particular interest.  This is by always acting as if your are on the ‘cause’ side you are stepping into your personal power and personal empowerment.

You do make a choice each time…your decision will either give you power or take it away.

References

Goleman, Daniel, Boyatzis, Richard & McKee, Annie, 2002. Primal Leadership. Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence, Harvard Business School Press, U.S.A.

For now if you’d like to begin to explore how to stop participating in the Blame Game go ahead and ask for an Introductory Consultation today.

Also, the e-book “Develop the Mental Strength of a Warrior” (also available in a Kindle version) is packed with teachings, questions and exercises to help you move to the “cause” side of the equation.

I’d like to thank ICA for their support and inspiration for this topic.

Related articles

• Unconsciousness Beliefs and Personal Success – Part III (warriormindcoach.com)
• The Magical Approach to Personal Empowerment (warriormindcoach.com)
• Reframing For Personal Power – Part I (warriormindcoach.com)
• Personal Empowerment and Responsibility – Part I (warriormindcoach.com)