Being Assertive in a Relationship is a Good Thing

You are assertive if you can stand up for your rights and yourself while being mindful of the opinions and rights of other people. Therefore, it is important to maintain your identity in a romantic relationship while working to ensure that the relationship is healthy and thriving. But it can be incredibly hard to be assertive with your partner especially when the relationship is just starting, you’re going to want to please your partner in hopes that the relationship would last. In such a situation, you’ll struggle to assert yourself even if you feel you need to do so.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the patterns shown at the beginning of a romantic relationship tend to persist, so you’ll need to adopt the good habits immediately. If you realize that you’re finding it hard to be assertive, don’t despair. We learn all the time and assertiveness too can be learned over time. It is not late to make a change, and this post will guide you on how to go about:

Being Assertive and Behavior

As said earlier, assertiveness is defined by your ability to stand up for your rights and yourself as well as being able to speak your mind and feelings in an acceptable way without upsetting others. Assertiveness, therefore, is easy to spot because it is laid bare by a person’s behavior. So, in a romantic relationship, assertiveness can be shown by such indicators as:

Openly and honestly talking about your feelings – An assertive partner will not let problems to occur but will spot them early and talk about them to save the relationship.

Being attentive and listening to your partner to understand their viewpoints – It is a show of respect to listen to people and try to view things from their perspective. Listening to and understanding other people’s viewpoints form the basis of empathy and emotional intelligence.

Showing gratefulness when someone does the smallest things they can – A relationship is built on the foundation of gratitude among other things. Thank your partner for that cup of tea and a mug of coffee. Gratitude from our partners makes us feel we’re not taken for granted.

Admitting mistakes and apologizing – Being remorseful helps convince your partner that the upset you caused was not deliberate. It is, however, prudent to be honest with your apology.

Sharing responsibilities and treating your partner as your equal – It is line with your expectation to be treated fairly I.e. you neither want to shoulder all the responsibilities nor have all your responsibilities done by your partner. Obviously, this would require both partners to negotiate on who is to do what and reach an agreement.

What you say can influence your beliefs, so be careful with what you say – Women, specifically, are more prone to find it amusing to poke fun on their partners and men in general while conversing with their groupies. The complaints are typical: he forgets shopping; he doesn’t look after children; he can’t do housework and so on. This kind of talk can appear harmless but in the long run, when you keep reinforcing and repeating them, even as jokes, you’ll actually end up believing in them. For instance, if you begin viewing your partner as being quite inferior to you, it can be hard to treat and see them as your equal. So be careful with your language in how you think and talk and think about your partner, for it could shape your views and this may prevent you from respecting them.

Unassertive behavior: The opposite side of assertiveness

It is easy to spot non-assertive behavior; it often takes two forms: aggressive or passive behavior. Both of them are valueless in a relationship.

So how is it like being passive? Well, passive individuals don’t stand up for themselves. They are overly compliant and allow their views to be easily overruled in favor of their partners. Passive individuals may resort to passive responses for many reasons including trying to maintain peace, or they may have self-confidence or self-esteem problems. Being passive, however, can send a wrong signal to your partner that you are not interested in being treated equally. And this might your partner another reason to express more unassertive behavior towards you. Aggressive behavior, on another hand, entails a person not considering the feelings and rights of others. More often than not, it overrules without discussion or thought, and the aggressive response is normally expressed to keep someone down.

How do you improve your assertiveness?

Just like any other virtue, you can improve your assertiveness by learning and practicing. Consider putting the above behaviors to practice and model your responses on them, more so being honest about your feelings, listening and being considerate to others, and viewing your partner as your equal.

The “stuck record” method entails reinforcing your message by repeatedly conveying it in a calm voice until you’re heard. Fogging or rather, acting as if you were a fog barrier, helps you absorb the aggressive behavior and not o reflect it. These techniques are highly helpful especially if you are more prone to being side-tracked into aggressive and/or passive behavior by other people. Better yet, these techniques help you to stay assertive and calm – and therefore keep the situation in control.

Successful relationships are built on the foundation of respect

Assertiveness provides a foundation for respect, both for you and your partner. It is through your assertive behavior that you can show your partner you are considerate, respectful, and equal in your relationship. You will act more assertively if you hold this belief consistently in your equality and respect at the front part of your mind. And there is a way you can give in your partner’s requests in an assertive way. For instance, if your partner went on a trip and asked you to do him/her a favor like washing the car, you would tell him/her how busy you but you would wash it anyway because it was him/her making the request. This shows that you know the consequences, but you’re willing to sacrifice for what is important to your partner. Your partner will, in turn, be grateful and respect you, or at least that’s how it should go.